My First Love.

He's my first love.

He's the only man who never left when everybody else did.

He's the only man who've stayed with me the longest.

He's that one person who has the best advice when I'm down.

He never told me lies.

He's a gentleman, with full of sense of humor.

He may be grumpy sometimes, but it will just take for a while.

He loves vegetables.

He's a good singer.

He's my hero; my savior.

He's my knight in shining armor everytime I come home late or when I get sick.

He takes me home. He provides me home.

He takes care of me.

He protects me from those who want to hurt me.

He gives me what I want.

He respects my decision.

He gives my back a massage everytime I feel pain.

He prepares my food everyday.

He cooks delicious food for me just to please me.

He scolds me everytime I do wrong.

He would never lay his hands on me.

He cheers me up when I'm sad.

He kisses me on the forehead everytime I feel like giving up and say everything's gonna be okay.

He goes to see a movie with me.

He always treats me some ice cream.

He buys me medicine everytime I get sick.

He always checks on me just to make sure I'm safe.

He won't sleep at night until I arrive home safe and sound.

He sacrifices everything for me.

He shows me the way of life.

He teaches me how to be strong.

He loves me more than his life.

He loves me more than any man who has loved me.

He loves me forever.

Happy Father's Day, Papa! You know how much I love you and even if I'm not always around, showing  it to you, I know that you can feel my love for you. No man will ever replace you as my father. And no man can love me as much as you love your only daughter. I love you so much.

-from his one and only baby girl. <3

NO REGRETS.

Four days. Four days I had stayed at your cousin's house. Two days, I was yours from the moment I saw your smile. Three days, You captivated my soul by the sin of your lips. Four days, I was lost.. 

confused.. and far away from you.

It doesn't have to be like this. I'm not even like this. But I'm staying like this. Even if I can't have anything in return..

..or you alone.

I'm sorry I don't understand where all of this is coming from. Even I can't answer your questions. You asked me, Why? Why did I like you, you think it's too soon to tell cause maybe it's just a sudden outburst of feelings. It's just an attraction, you say.

Is it? 

But why am I still so into you? It's been a while and that was just too fast, but why do I still feel the same? Remember I told you how I feel about you? and this is not my thing? Cause I'm not being ANNA anymore. I don't easily get attracted FIRST to a person. And I'm also not the type who gets attracted unless that person made a move to like him. But you. You don't. You just did it but you didn't do it for me to like you. And it's making me feel amazed and frustrated at the same for doing that to me; for making me like you so much without doing anything. You effortlessly show who you are and in a snap, you placed me here... in this very complicated situation. I know it's not your fault and I'm not blaming you for this. I'm not blaming you for being so good to me, to your family and for being so perfect. I mean just my "kind of perfect". I don't want you to change how you treat me. I don't want you to be away..

...away from me.

This is my choice, and that is yours. I respect that. It's just that it feels depressing that I can't have you, that I can't be with you by all means...

That this is so one-sided. I guess.

And even though you'd like me too, someday.... I know you'd still choose Him.

The moment I confessed my feelings to you, that was my first time. I didn't do that to anyone. It kills the woman in me if I'll do. But you. You somehow changed me. All of a sudden, I wanted to be honest with you. I wanted to be close to you and I want to be close to Him, too. You unintentionally change me for the better. If this change is for you and for Him, if this change is His way, I'll always be wanting to change, and be honest with you just for you.

Just for you.

Before you said goodbye and wished me luck, every piece of me that wants you got shattered and it's killing me that none of them wants to back away despite the hurt. From that day until now, I still keep thinking of you. Everyday I pray, that this man, YOU, he's all I want, maybe He can give you to me.

Too good to be true.

I know I'm not the smartest nor the most beautiful person you know. I'm not even a good or holy person to grant me my wish.. 

But I won't give up..

I won't give up that 40% chance though it was never mine for you to give. This may be a very fast, "some sort of attraction" for you, but if you could just see me... and let me, I'll be here patiently waiting for you to come and make this work out. I promise you I won't be your any other girls from your past who doubted you, who's been unsure of you. I'll be faithful to you just like what you do for Him. And IF EVER, He'll give you to me. I'll see you as the best gift, my best gift..

...my person.

I like you.

And someday I might call you from my heart.

NO REGRETS.

"Every word he says is a dagger in me."

Have you ever felt like you're torn between knowing what you see and seeing what you don't know? Like you've been good friends for so long..



..then became strangers and still don't know who he really is?
Like for eight freakin' long years, you're still not sure.


"Seriously, who are you?"


Maybe what I knew before and what I know now isn't enough.





Never enough to trust.


Was it me who chose to be blinded by his acts or was it he who always hides what he really is whether intentionally or unaware of it.



But after everything, I guess I just know him by how he makes me feel.....





'This'.



I guess I have a lot of words to say that I just couldn't spill.
Because I'm afraid that maybe... just maybe, I'm right after all but still wishin' I could be wrong.



And everytime I try to, it just doesn't make sense. It's like wanting and hating him at the same time. This urge I feel that I want to change him...



..and to cling on to something that's never gonna happen anymore.


Believing in the thought that he has changed after all the shit he'd been in.
But he never did. He's still the same.






Maybe.




Maybe he's just unaware.



He is someone whom every girl likes to be with, always caught up by his sweet company. He is that someone who gets what he wants and doesn't care if you'll get something in return or not. Even if he doesn't act to be one. He can give you all the material things. He favors you. He can make you feel like you're the only girl in the world.


But.


But there's one thing he's never given to anyone.. or trying to... but still doesn't.











Loyalty.






He can love you like the way he loves the other. And he can wrap you around his fingers and you'll be head over heels. And if he could have the chance to take it all, he'd take that chance.. to 'get in' to you.







And he just did.

He's merely keeping you around until someone better comes along, then suddenly leaves you in the cold. He gives out closure that isn't really a closure. He says his deadly sweet words whenever he feels guilty about it and not realizing that it's just making you hold on to something that doesn't even exist to him.




And that's even making you look more stupid at the end of the day.

He apologizes for whatever he does wrong by his cheap talk, but he rarely shows how he means it. It's as if he's only affected when he's in front of you, but once you turn your back, returns to usual, and have all the guts to show how happy he is with himself. He keeps his stand that he is sincere enough, but if you could see it, he's not. But you cannot blame him or anyone; You cannot do anything either. It's his choice.


He leaves you with his oh-so "caring" words, like some kind of a hint of assurance so you could come up with choosing to wait for him instead while he enjoys what he has right now.
It's his habit of saying his sweetest goodbyes that's hurting. He's manipulating you. He's making you think as if he doesn't like this too.. that what he did was painful to him and that he didn't have a choice, when in fact he had.


He always had a choice.







And when you ask for reasons...
He just tells you what you don't need to know, and when you need to know, he tells you something else. Playing safe.


And when everything is over, and cuts you off, he'll make up like nothing happened..



But you're still nothing.
He makes you feel special today, treats you like a stranger, the next.




Then you woke up and didn't know how he turned out to be the heartbreaker he warned you about before.

















Someday, he'll look out for you and see you..
and remember you as the girl who once became true to him, who accepted him despite his major flaws.







....who once loved him.







And this girl who let him go would just look at him and see him as someone she used to know.


















"Change is gonna come."








Soon.

BULLSHIT.

Perhaps this is the worst feeling that I've ever felt so far. Yes, I know, and everybody knows that I've been through a lot of shit and it's just another shit, but no. This one is different. This one is BIG.

Honestly, I don't even know what I feel right now.
It's like a sting that spreads all through out inside me, like some kind of a disease or something and just occurs everytime it wants.

It's torturing me.

Sometimes I feel okay, when I'm busy and when I'm away... or drunk. But most of the time, I'm not. It never gets better. Sometimes I just wanna get drowned and never wanna be sobered up, because this only means I'm gonna go through another day again.. face the reality..


..without him.




Everyday I live in denial. That it's nothing, just another "whatever" and what happened was just a short delusional story; I shouldn't be affected.


But it's just too damn painful.

I know I should be just moving on with my life because this feeling doesn't bring me any good and it'd just lead me to nowhere,

but I'm stuck...I'm really really stuck here.



Can't eat..
can't sleep.
I'm not even interested to wake up every morning anymore. All I want is just lay here and do nothing.

Everytime I check my twitter and read another retweet and another.. and another, I just want to shut my iPad down. That's when the start of my very imaginative mind.
Overthinking.


And then the pain sets in again.

Sometimes I just close my eyes, so hard, so that my tears won't fall or at least hold it for a moment. Thinking that I shouldn't be crying because it's already over and I'm just wasting my tears. But I can't. I just can't hold 'em any longer.

Everyone's saying that it's just a break-up. The fact that guys just cheat, all the time, like it's a way of life that's why I should get over him and just find a new one. A better one. They keep on sayin, he's not worth it; he doesn't deserve me. And I'll be a sore loser if I'll hold on.

But how will I ever..
ever..

ever move on if that person who just made me feel this way is the same person who once made me happy.


whom I gave my all,

my everything,

my firsts.

..and ironically be the only person who tore me apart and fix me back at the same time.



Before, when we're still together, everyday.. EVERY DAY, he tells me he loves me. That I'll always be his baby. From the surprises, skittles, chocolates, surprise visits, fancy dates, movies to sleeping together, waking up together, hugs and kisses. EVERYTHING.

And you know what hurts more? Cause THEY JUST SEEMED SO REAL. :'(



and it's just so unfair because all that I showed to him was real.




because I love him,
for real.








And now, he's doing the exact same thing with another girl.


Sucks.






Now tell me. HOW?! How will I forget these things in just a very short period of time.


I mean, if they really wanna get back together, why the hell they still want to hurt other people. Is it really that hard to stay away, and avoid hurting innocent people? To be sensitive enough to just keep all the tweets, sweet shit whatever to themselves? Why do they have to brag and shout it out loud without even thinking that someone's still trying to heal after the pain they've caused. I know, I don't have the right or anything but if they're really civilized normal people, they wouldn't do such a thing. And why does he have to lie? That he still cares for me. That he loves me and what we had is real. If so, WHY. Why do I feel like I was just a pastime, just a 'twist' in "their" story.



Maybe it wasn't my story after all.



Yes, we talked but that doesn't mean that after that, in a snap, all the pain and feelings would just go away. I mean who would expect me to be like yey i'm happy you guys got back together and yey I've been cheated. Like wtf huh?!





I don't know what I want. What I want to happen... all I need is time but they're too stubborn and kept it from me. 3 months. Just 3 months if ever, before they do their whatever, but they didn't.

He didn't.


A day or days?
I was like..... dumbfounded.



by everything.





Now, who would dare blame me?

 "When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way"

Real thing awaits.

Maybe I was being childish. Immature perhaps. I was drowned too deep into smaller things where there is a bigger world out there ahead of me. Like I'm beginning to realize that I'm not getting younger anymore but I still keep on focusing to some silly fights that I don't even know why the heck I'm still giving attention to and putting effort to this nonsense. Everyday I keep on asking myself, what is it that I really want? After graduation, after boards. What should I expect myself to be? Will I be practicing my profession or be a professor instead? Like should I be working abroad or what. If money would be put into priority, would it matter more or just wanting to have my kind of way of living? Honestly, I don't know. Just not yet. And I'm beginning to hate myself for being miserable to the things that aren't even worthwhile to be frustrated of. The worse part is that I let it happen. That I put myself in that situation. Everytime I think about it, the notion that I feel like the biggest part of my life has changed.. or is now long gone, when in fact it's not. It's just a piece of my "real" life. And maybe I was close-minded to think that my world should be revolving to the idea of love. I became too dependent to that idea. I'm kinda type who either gives everything.. all out or just withdraw without even trying. And that just sucks. I never had the chance to be in the middle. I gamble.. all in without leaving something for myself. I show too much affection in the present that I forgot to stress out my future. I should not level myself to those people who are ill-mannered and give a fuck to nonsense things. Got a brain and I think more, obviously. So better yet look forward to what's gonna happen in the future. We can never really tell what will it be. But if everything comes back, chances given, then it's okay. If it's a permanent change, then just accept it. Life is a continuous challenge and I only have myself to back it all up.

More than friends, less than lovers.

A lot has changed in me right now. More than a year had passed since !@#$%^&.. maybe it's just fate after all. Maybe he's not just ready yet... to have me around. So after moving on from my previous relationship, I decided to put myself to rest and just enjoy what life would be giving me. And then I considered doing something different; something "fun". But it just turned out that emotions still took the lead in the end.

Once you start liking someone, you can't really get rid of the feelings. He may not be your guy, he may just be your friend or some sort of a stranger. There are guys who are sweet; some are flirts. It's safe to say that most girls have encountered one or two. But what if you'll encounter someone who can give you the happiness you've longed for but he's the type that you'll never be certain that you ALONE whom he sees? What if all of a sudden what you have with him is not a game for you anymore? What if YOU LIKE HIM ALREADY? that even if you force yourself to like somebody else thinking that your feelings won't work anyway, you still can't keep yourself coming back to him? that even if it hurts so much, getting jealous of all the girls he's seeing, you still choose to hold on.

It is really hard to fall for someone whom you knew in the first place that he's not gonna be yours even if you give everything. You both will always be "just" friends. He may be treating you special, telling you sweet words, holding you like a real girlfriend, but at the end of the day, you will only be JUST SPECIAL BUT NEVER BE LOVED. And no matter how much you show you like him, the feelings will never be mutual. There's always one stronger than the other. And that feeling belongs to you.. not to him. What's even harder is holding it back and pretend that it's okay.. and that YOU'RE OKAY. But in reality, you're still hoping that he might be into you if you stay. You even ask yourself, "will there be a chance, even for a little, that he might be loving me back if I'll wait?" These thoughts of you that even he himself could not answer. And the hardest part? It's when he doesn't want to commit to you but he also doesn't want you to leave. So where will you place yourself now when he still keeps treating you just like his girl but you aren't? You'll always be more than a friend, a special friend, but never his lover. That's the reality.


Now, would you still choose to stay? Because I did.

My Perfect Stranger

It's been "n" months since.... you know.. well.. that.. happened and it's been a while since I opened my blog! Great! :)) So let's start afresh again! I've been lonely and incomplete for quite a long time but now I feel good already. It's funny how I turned out to be a not-so-bitter person anymore despite all the pain I've been through and I guess it's quite cool. No hard feelings to anyone or anything.

I've been doing great in my school and with my friends lately. I'm not sad anymore, well sometimes maybe, and it's perfectly normal. However, there are really those times that I wanted someone.. that special someone who will give me some sort of special treatment.. that thing I was used to. Then I saw that someone. Someone whom I think I'm gonna like.. Well I'm not saying that he's gonna be my next or something. But there's this spark. You know that feeling? Feels like you have something in your stomach and you just can't help but smile by just seeing that pink rose. :"> (though it's not pink anymore. HAHAHAHA) It's quite cool since he's a total stranger, I MEAN A TOTALLY GOOD-LOOKING STRANGER and this just happened when I first saw him. And I never saw him again. Wish I could.. cuz I really want him. Yes, I like him a lot! Please please please be mine already. :)) Joke. I know it's something that is 99% impossible but I still got 1% though. ;) And if my wish will happen sometime in the future. I SWEAR TO GOD, ME ALREADYYY!!!






P.S. ...and he just became my not-so-personal inspiration woot woot!